


They Told Me Nothing New

by liamthebastard



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Survivor Guilt, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-14
Updated: 2014-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-21 03:37:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2453279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liamthebastard/pseuds/liamthebastard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>We sat and made a list</em><br/>Of all the things that we had<br/>-Things We Lost in the Fire, Bastille</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Told Me Nothing New

When he was younger, he’d kept a list. A list of things that kept him anchored. Almost all of them consisted of his family, from his dad’s laugh to the way Cora lit up when she talked about travelling like it was the only thing she wanted to do. Even Peter was on there, from when he’d been a fun uncle, the one who’d help them plan pranks on Laura and Talia and keep mum about who had been responsible.

Now, the list was a little different. He’d drafted a new copy while the ashes of his family home were still cooling on the ground. Laura had been sitting a few feet away in the police station, trying to process the new power in her blood and needing pack, but Derek had been shattered. He’d sat at the deputy’s desk --Stil-something, Polish sounding-- and used BHPD stationary to make up a new list.

He;d hesitated for a moment, but he had been able to hear the news the deputy was relaying to Laura. _Brain-dead, severe burns, little chance of recovery_ , the deputy had said. So Derek took a breath, and added a final name to the list.

  
  
  


Years later, he found himself in the same woods, outside the ruins of his family home once more. He looked down at the hole he’d dug, and, pulling the paper from his wallet once more, added another name onto the list.

A few weeks pass, and Derek found himself furiously erasing Peter’s name from the list, and adding it again hours later when the guilt sets in, with pen.

  
  
  


Time passed, and the list weighed heavy in Derek’s pocket as always. It took almost two years for him to add more names, but it didn't come as a surprise. Just grief, always grief, as he inked in the names of deaths that were his fault. And more pain when a few weeks later, he re-inked the first name, still feeling the phantom blood on his claws. 

  
  
  


Seeing Cora again was… it was a revelation. One person he managed to not destroy. Someone who made it away from the flames almost unscathed. She was harder now, tougher, but Derek couldn't fault her for that. She was still _family_.

The night he saw her safely settled once again in South America, he erased her name from the list, and his shoulders felt a little lighter.

  
  
  


The peace was too good to last. He almost added Stiles’s name to his list, and he was surprised by how much that thought upset him. The boy was pack, somehow, and Derek once again felt responsible for his survival. But Stiles’s survival didn't mean his list went untouched. When he got home that night, bloody and sore, he added two more names to the list.

And he realized he never even bothered to learn the twins’ last name.

  
  
  
  
  


“Derek. Let it go,” Stiles urges. Derek tightens his fist around the paper, crumpling it, but can’t seem to release it. “Derek. It’s time.” He and Stiles stand at the edge of Laura’s grave, Stiles slim and so much older than he looks, and Derek large and so much younger than he feels. “She wouldn’t want this, and you deserve better than this.” 

Derek nods, but smooths the paper out one last time to read it over.

 

  *  _Paige_
  * _Talia Hale_

  * _Roland Hale_

  * _~~Cora Hale~~_

  * _Emma Hale_

  * _Micah Phillips_

  * _Annie Phillips_

  * _Matt Phillips_

  * _Sarah Phillips_

  * _~~Peter Hale~~_

  * _Laura Hale_

  * **_Peter Hale_**

  * **_Vernon Boyd_**

  * _Erica Reyes_

  * _Allison Argent_

  * _Aiden_



 

"They weren't your fault, Derek. None of them. Your family, that was all Kate, And everyone else... they knew what they were getting into. You did your best," Stiles says. Clearly he's been reading over his shoulder again.

"Well clearly it wasn't good enough," Derek replies. He doesn't mean for it to sound so selfish, but maybe that's what he is. Maybe he's holding this pain so close because it's all he knows anymore. 

Maybe he doesn't deserve to stop feeling like this. 

Stiles slips the list from his fingers. "At least two of these belong to me," he says calmly. And there's no stutter in his heartbeat, he genuinely  _believes_ that. "Allison, Aiden. Neither of them would be dead if it weren't for the nogitsune, for me."

"The nogitsune wouldn't have gotten in without the nemeton, which wouldn't have happened if I'd never woken it up," Derek interjects. 

"I'm not getting into a 'whose guilt is heaviest' contest with you. I'm just pointing out that those names are mine more than they're yours," Stiles argues. And Derek isn't stupid, he sees what Stiles is doing. If Derek deserves his pain, then Stiles deserves his, and neither of them want the other to hurt. So they have to forgive themselves, to get the other to do the same. "This is no way to live, Derek. And we deserve to live."

And Stiles's pulse stays steady.

Maybe they do deserve to live.

Derek sets his list down, near where Laura's head rests. Stiles too sets a piece of paper down. Derek raises an eyebrow.

"We're more alike than you think," is all Stiles will say.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Idk guys like angst and such? Pretty crappy but oh well.  
> Oh and Stiles's list? Super sad don't ask me for it.


End file.
